I'm Tired

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of dragging myself out of bed every morning after a long, sleepless night.

I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm hurting.

I want to change. I don't want to be alone.. But I don't know how. I don't have the strength to pull myself up. I need another hand. But where to find one?

I'm always caught between "They aren't quite right" and "what if they don't like me?"

It's like drowning in my own self pity because I'm too ashamed to drag myself onto that beach of surrender. The dark wood beyond is out of the question.

Lately, my frustrations have been spilling out of my sides like a wound that won't heal.

So much anger, so much darkness.

It's been weeks since the incident. He's gotten so much better, but I mistrust him.
I'm not so easily forgiving as a dog anymore.
I decided not to take crap from people, but I want to change again. I want to forgive with the depths of my soul.

Now you, reader, will be bearer of witness to my soliloquy today. My wishes shall come forth. Forever, I want to change.

I've killed her off once before and built myself from her ashes. I can do it again.

Today, I am kind, shy, semi-attractive, a decent gamer, a decent fencer, and excellent but unorganized writer, lazy, lusty against my will, half mature, awkward in my movements and words, argumentative, judgmental, and full of ugly mental words.
I am selfish, I am a decent artist, I am depressive, I am ashamed, and I am slobbish. I am a procrastinator.

In the future, I want to be selfless. I want to be both fun and mature. I want to be kind, considerate, clear in my thoughts, and unlike my father. I want to be frugal but not vain in my money saving. I want to buy one carton of Mayfield and not three of store brand.  I want to be a better sister, great future mother, and wife to my wonderful future husband. I want to be humble and never boast. I want to always be patient and sincere. No fake faces here! That means not being afraid to tell someone, "Hold up for a sec. I have to pee!" I want to be reassuring, helpful, proactive, smart, funny, and enjoyable to be around. I want to be more than willing to die for a thief. I want to be more trusting of God.

I want to have a friend or two that I can depend on to hold me accountable and vice versa.
I want friends that will be kind to me, lend a pencil if I somehow forget. I want friends who'll take care of me, who've "got my back."

Last night, I had a dream where I forgot my phone and Kite Runner book in the car. We were on a boat. On stormy waters. The waves were literally violent, and that's saying a lot coming from me.
A guy around 18 hears old overheard my telling my mom and dad what happened, and a lady telling me it was too dangerous to go out, and came back with the two items before I could decline the unspoken offer.
He barely knew me, and yet he took care of my need without me even asking.
I want friends like him. I want to be like him.

I am shakable, yet unbreakable.
I am terrified, but I will walk on.
I am alone right now.
I will be ok. Just a little longer, sweetie :)

Today, I've unravelled my soul.
Today, I'm taking back control.

Don't forget me. I want to forget, but I'll live on in your memories~ Never forget.
I've come so far, forgetting now will only make me a fool. My regrets are real, but I wouldn't change them for the world. I've made peace with my scars.

Time to wall on.