Dangling Meat

I'm struggling again.
This time, it's turned to desperation.
Last time, I gave in.
Now, picture this:

Your stomach is churning. It feels as if it's grown ravenous jaws and now snaps out to gnaw on your own right arm, like that scene from Sponge Bob.
You feel the stabbing pain, but everyone else is oblivious. The growls fall just short of their ears.

A street vender offers fresh steak and mango, not knowing how much it hurts. You politely decline, wincing from the pain of desperately desiring the very  mouthwatering thing that you know will take you to your grave.
You're allergic to food, after all. Nothing is safe, clean, perfect. Nothing can satisfy.

If feels like Hell. I don't know how long I can wait.

Stormy Waters

I still need to go back and cover all the bases of the Walk messages, but I need to get a few things off of my chest.

Ready yourself. Here comes the spiel!!

I was reading this plan on the YouVersion Bible app called Finding Comfort In Pain as recommended by my SGL, and although I'm not in pain at the moment, I can still relate to quite a few of the devotions.

One day focused on faith as seen in Matthew 7:7-11.
In short, the disciples and Jesus are out on the water. Jesus is taking a nap in a corner of the boat while the disciples freak out at a mega-storm and wake Jesus up.
When they do, He tells the storm to have peace and turns to His disciples, saying, "Why are ye so fearful? How is it ye have no faith?"
As the author of the devotional said, it's as if Jesus expected His followers to be confident of their safety as long as Jesus was in the boat with them.

If He is for us, who can possibly stand against us?

Don't get so caught up by the storm outside that you forget you're under a roof. It sounds silly, but so many of us are guilty. It's far too easy to get preoccupied with the chaos around us and forget Who's leading us by the hand.

As an extra tidbit, my July 9th paperback devotional gave great wisdom for better understanding the value of trials.
Yes, they're tough as nails. Yes, they usually hurt like heck, but tourists never buy jagged, unshapely rocks. They seek out the worn, weather-beaten, smooth river stones that have seen many a violent windstorm. I believe God doesn't dish out trials to His beloveds like playing cards, but He allows them to come upon you because He knows it's the best route to take.
You need a bit of fire to toughen you up.
By the time a trial has reached your face, it has already obtained God's stamp of approval to trespass into your life and He has already arranged a few baths of sunscreen and aloe vera.
The bottom line: chill out. God's got this. If He can harden the heart of a pharaoh, He can soften the heart of a store clerk. He faithfully tends to our small, feathered friends, so how much more must He care for us; aligning the stars, providing job openings, red lights, green lights, and just what we need to hear?

Never forget how much He loves.
You're almost home! Dance and rejoice that we're one day closer to our home in Heaven, and then the New Earth.

Bottom of the Sea

During our extensive seven hour bus ride, I had plenty of time to let The Walk's nutrients soak into my skin. 

Through my encounters with Ethan, the junior from Buckhead, and observing Megan and Jeremy, I've been able to uncover issues once buried far beyond what words could express. Now, I've found my tongue.

Since watching Divergent for the first time, I've realized my deep set fear of intimacy.

Seeing as I've yet to interact with a guy on any level beyond "friend," this is understandable. I'm afraid of what I haven't yet come to know. 

The bigger issue I've more recently uncovered, however, lies with relinquishing my independence.

It might sound silly, but I have trouble letting guys do things for me. Holding the door is fine, but I rarely let Chad carry my stuff. I guess I've spent so much time becoming independent and strong as a lone she-wolf so to speak that giving it all up and letting someone else take care of things is more like giving up my freedom. Freedom tastes so sweet, but I'm starting to think I have it at the cost of letting others into my life.

A lady on a (perfume?) commercial once said something like: "Love is when you let someone get close to you. Real close."

If the former is true, I don't think I can ever love someone like that. Affection just hasn't been modeled enough for me. I don't know how to interact with guys without seemingly "flirting"(being friendly), but I doubt I could let someone in like that. Heck, I don't even know how to kiss! The struggle is real, guys!

I'll be praying for now. Wish me luck.

Only one more year until adulthood.