Through my encounters with Ethan, the junior from Buckhead, and observing Megan and Jeremy, I've been able to uncover issues once buried far beyond what words could express. Now, I've found my tongue.
Since watching Divergent for the first time, I've realized my deep set fear of intimacy.
Seeing as I've yet to interact with a guy on any level beyond "friend," this is understandable. I'm afraid of what I haven't yet come to know.
The bigger issue I've more recently uncovered, however, lies with relinquishing my independence.
It might sound silly, but I have trouble letting guys do things for me. Holding the door is fine, but I rarely let Chad carry my stuff. I guess I've spent so much time becoming independent and strong as a lone she-wolf so to speak that giving it all up and letting someone else take care of things is more like giving up my freedom. Freedom tastes so sweet, but I'm starting to think I have it at the cost of letting others into my life.
A lady on a (perfume?) commercial once said something like: "Love is when you let someone get close to you. Real close."
If the former is true, I don't think I can ever love someone like that. Affection just hasn't been modeled enough for me. I don't know how to interact with guys without seemingly "flirting"(being friendly), but I doubt I could let someone in like that. Heck, I don't even know how to kiss! The struggle is real, guys!
I'll be praying for now. Wish me luck.
Only one more year until adulthood.
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