Name Engraved

His name was Thomas Schiff. A paranoid schizophrenic and Joker's honorary puppet.  I saw him last semester when I watched The Dark Knight for the first time in Sociology. He was a minor character, and yet something drew me to him like the seas to the moon. Something in his eyes. His eyes! They whispered, beckoning me closer to tell the tale of a lost and shattered soul. They screamed and they cried, yet he smiled, an empty smile, void of all that was so many years ago.. They burn in the back of my mind. I sometimes see them staring back when I close my eyes at night. 

I know he's just an actor, but that's besides the point.

I've decided to face the fact I've flatly denied for years.

I sympathize with psychotics.

I'm drawn to them.

It's almost unnatural.

A good nine times out of ten, I've found I have the uncanny ability to unknowingly pick them out of crowd as a favorite in a television show or otherwise.

Take Russia for example. First episode, I decided "hey, I like that guy", to find out he's got quite a bit of blood on his hands a few episodes later. This is where I differ from the masses: instead of rejecting Russia for being rather mentally challenged, I ask "I wonder what could have caused him to become the way he is?" For Russia, it's General Winter, that icy in-command whispering hate-words down his ears and generally making his life a living Hell(not a curse word). Still hate him?

Next, look at the unspeakable J(half-fictional this time). He stabbed some kids to death when he was young and *now* goes on uncontrollable quests for blood when the "feeling" comes back. He murdered his own family.. Why? It all goes back to some neighborhood bullies and a couple of guns. The jerkfaces threatened and beat his brother Noah, so he grabbed a knife and fought back shortly after they burned his face completely off with a Molotov and bleach. After he miraculously recovered and the bandages were removed, his mother rejected his newly pale and scarred face, causing him to carve a smile into his own and theirs so he'd never be sad again.

Never judge a book by it's cover. There's always a cause. Next time, look for one, and if you think I'm wrong, you obviously haven't delved deep enough.

Every time I look into the eyes of Thomas Schiff, I cry thinking of how many beautiful minds are suffering as I write.

Hate the action, not the person :(

Rhythmic Redolence

Here are some of my favorite songs :D

Christian: In Christ Alone(I'll Stand) - Owl City

Soundtrack/Instrumental: Starswirl the Bearded - Evening Star, Crimson Insanity Eyes (Touhou) 

Casual/Miscellaneous: I Remember - Deadmau5(feat. Kaskade), 

Brony: Open Your Eyes - Aviators, Discord's Return Pt.1 - MysteriousBronie, Discord - Eurobeat Brony(TheLivingTombstone remix), Lullaby For A Princess - ponyphonic, 

Moving: Bulletproof - SoundOfTheAviators, 

Lullabies: Lullaby for a Stormy Night - Vienna Teng, Lullaby for a Princess - ponyphonic, Russian Lullaby - Toy Box

Feelgood: Happy - Pharrell Williams, Blackbird - Paul McCartney 

Mini-Muses

I think I'd like to compile some quotes here. Not quotes by my favorite people (I'll do that later), but rather, my own mini-muses. (I really should go do my homework, but I hate precalculus :T)

"Silence is a scholar."

"Time hardens the heart and softens the mind."

What I mean by that is a hard time is hard to talk about at first, but it becomes much easier as time goes on and we no longer feel that knife in our thigh.

UGH, Boys..

:| Oh gosh... I knew this would happen eventually.  I've been praying for God to put someone in my life that He created with me in mind, but there are like three...

The first is one of my best friends friends in the whole world. He's so stinking adorable and surprisingly gentlemanly for a teenage guy, and he's Christian so that's a plus. We've been rivaling in saber for about five years now(of course, he always wins... but I come pretty close!), but his family moved up to Pennsylvania a year and a half ago, so there went that.. :c:::.

The second is this also adorable guy at my high school. He's extremely intelligent but really shy, and 

we're both aiming for Georgia Tech.  The first time we met was about a month into Freshman hear when I was eating my lunch alone in the library.  I was still friendless, confused and a bit depressed, so it doesn't surprise me how quickly I reacted when Katie(who was trying to "broaden his female horizons" ha ha..yeah. :T) invited me to come sit with them. The next day, he literally just appeared at my table like a puppy and never left. It was SO. AWKWARD. just sitting there in the silence. I was so nervous and fluttery, I had no idea what to say, and of course  I just had to bring an awkward lunch that day. So there we were, just sitting there in deafening silence, too scared to move, yet forced to ninja-sneak licks of peanut butter on a spoon because I was just  that awesome.... Yeah...  Back then, it was like he refused to leave my side. Now, half the time I can't tell if he likes me or thinks I'm annoying.. probably doesn't hate me, but it's not like I'll ask.  The only other thing I can think of is how his beliefs are still a mystery to me. It's ridiculous to try and convert a super smart Atheist, so I guess I'll just have to wait around and see. 

The last guy is, well, interesting.

This one's all on God because the first time we met was on the last day before Christmas break. I finished exams on Thursday. The only reason I decided to come was to give Mr. Akins his grapefruit(xD I'm such a dork..) and to keep Mrs. Fraser company while I finished some Korean War veteran interview transcriptions. Well, Mrs. Fraser was late, so I got herded into the gym, then the cafeteria and back again til my mom came at 1:00pm. In those incredibly dull and wasted three hours lay a series of oh, so unfortunate events. After sketching a frustratingly flawed Awoken face for about an hour and a half, I sat alone in the cafeteria for a total of fifteen seconds before a surprisingly attractive greaser-like sophomore turns around and asks, "Do you want to come sit with us or sit there all alone?" Naturally, I said "sure" and shyly made my way over to the table, seeing as only two or three tables were even inhabited.  Beside me sat a friendly dirty-blond-haired girl from ROTC. Then there was Chase, the colloquially intelligent greaser/Marblehornets Tim look-alike, a small and skittish blond boy with glasses (who easily had much more sense and empathy than half the others), a sensible druggie(he thought I was as shy and cute as a freshman girl named Autumn ;3) and a friendly stubbly guy whose name escapes me. So the guys talk for a while about things like Mrs. Obama taking away chocolate milk when chocolate milk is the best thing for athletes, and I strike up a conversation with the girl beside me. We talk about ROTC for a while, and she pauses, saying "UGH, boys.." and rolling her eyes. About then, the cafeteria ladies shout "free food" and all twenty five remaining children scramble over like a reluctant stampede for some almost overdue food. I grab a miniature apple and scurry back to my seat. No more than two minutes pass when some guy in pajamas comes be-bopping over to the table, earning a "Hey, Chris!" from most and a stumbley introduction from me. (I know stumble-y isn't a word, but whatever. I do what I want, yo! haha joking. Nobody says yo anymore... except Bobby Cuevas who started the "Oh snap, yo!" trend at Master's xD good times..) Anyway, so this guy showed up, and I immediately felt my face start to feel all tingly. Conscience: "HOLYCOWTHATGUYLOOKJUSTLIKESHERLOCK. HOLYCOW HE EVEN ACTS LIKE HIM. BRO. QUIT BLUSHING. I SAID-OH great, now he's staring at you... Well, don't just stare back! SAY something! No?.... -__- yeah, I'm so out of here. See you in Heaven suckahh! *poof* (conscience disappears)

Meh, after my conscience died tragically, Chris said he was hungry, I gave him the apple I just legally stole, and he awkwardly said thanks. He showed his latest novel's progress to Chase and the others, so I asked what story was about. Blah blah blah, he showed me this website where he often published  historical fiction rewrites and other stories(Vortex Wars), and I gave him a few writing pointers.  Yep. That was it. Not really. Nothing... suggestive happened.. I mean plenty of awkwardness (They were talking about when to have a girlfriend, so I chimed in with a  "wait 'til you're in college because if you don't she'll get pregnant and die." I thought it was funny because they didn't know I was a homeschooler, foreign and still unfamiliar to their ways, but Chase thought I was a dork, jokingly asking "xD is that the way you think?" "yes.. :c", I thought, but I didn't say anything. It was a joke from Mean Girls...)

Later, Chris offered us some homemade mints (*cough*SKETCHY*cough*)( but I ate them anyway.. I mean, I'm still here typing this, right?... Right?!?), and then proceeded to take selfies on my phone while lying on his back on the cold gym floor.... he was trying to convince me to come lay down when Mrs. Callie called for me over the intercom, and I mentally said "YUSH. I'm saved :D whoo.." while actually saying "Oh, haha, that's me... Uhh, I'd better go. Bye!", slinging my bag onto my shoulder and scurrying up the gym stairs while he shouts "HEY, you're really cute. Use that to you're advantage in life! You'll really get places!" 

Well, what do you know? So far I've managed to only spill it to Sydney, and I'm going to try and keep it that way 'til my mom sees this twenty years from now and asks who this weird boy is... I think he's a Junior...maybe not, but he's tall enough to be one.. 

Well, today was the first day back from break, and guess who stopped me in the hall walking from homeroom to lit? You guessed it. And I'm sure I flushed bright red again because of my STUPID TEENAGE HORMONES. GAH. I hate my life sometimes...

Honestly, I'd rather not have to choose. I mean, COME ON God. When I said I wanted you to put someone in my life, I really meant someone.  

Maybe it's for the best. I mean, I love Chad but I don't know if I'll ever see him again. For now, I only hope I'll get closer to Tej so I can be a double-agent and convert him to Christianity so we can spend eternity talking about the craziest concepts next to a cozy fireplace in the winter(a girl can dream :'c ), and frankly, Chris scares me a little.

If it was up to me, I'd go after someone who's personality would look like this: 

(lol he's my superattractive Awoken species Titan on Destiny :3 Oh gosh.. the feels..)

What I mean is, I think I'd like someone who's fun-loving and caring, serious when the situation calls for it, but not up-tight. I'd like someone who's beautiful mentally(intelligent, strong, pondering) but not too tucked-in; adventurous and somewhat wise. Being a bit shy is totally ok, and looks are relatively secondary since I'm not one to judge and, being an artist, my taste in guys is a bit... unique haha.

The only thing that's really a must is being a follower of Christ, so the rest of the things are more like loose guide-lines of stuff I find attractive. 

God, please don't send me a Frenchman!

Edit:  January 5, 2015

 I forgot to include my dad's two rules for dating:

If someone wants to take me to a gathering with other people(and other girls), he's free to do so; however, if someone wants to take me on a date alone, with just us two, he has to ask for permission from my dad first, and I have to give my dad a heads-up before he comes... To dig up the shotgun haha jk

Edit 2: January 6, 2015

2nd day of school, and guess who somehow managed to find me on the way to like five classes?! Chris... -_- I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but I'm not going to date anyone for a good year or two at least. If I wasn't such a pushover, I'd go ahead and tell him I'm not interested... but he's the first guy to ever call me cute xD I don't know what to do anymore. I've been trying really. hard. to just shove him in a closet forget he exists, but I highly doubt he'd do the same :T the dude's head over heels for me.. One minute, I pretend to not get his text about where I sit in the cafeteria(mornings. I don't  eat in the cafeteria unless the library's on food probation), the next, I have a personal escort that refuses to leave my side.(all the while, Tej is oblivious and treats me like a semi-close friend again, and I still have feelings for him; feelings that whisper "Adieu, adieu, remember him! He's well worth the wait. Just two more years!" What should I do?!

Since I'm pretty much obligated to see him a good four times a day for a whole semester at least, I might as well ask if we can just be friends? I'm scared I'll break his heart :/ It seems like I'm all he has from his circumstances... Oh, and he's a good year and a half older than me, so that's lovely..

Edit 2: April 22, 2015

Idk what's going on. I can't take this out of Italics for some reason, so just go with it. 

Chris found himself another girl to "love"... I met him four months ago. Like, first introduced myself. I'm far from jealous, but I'm glad he's over me because anyone so willing to replace his "beloved" isn't worth my time. If he really cared about me, he would have been depressed for months and more relentless in seeing me. Because he was not, I know he has a familial void which he's desperate to fill. What face filsl it is inconsequential.