Slippery Ole Time

What a year. Getting ready to start a new chapter in my life. I'm in the process of getting ready. Whether I'll actually be prepared is another beast entirely.
In this new chapter, I'll be surrounded by a new cast of characters in a sparkling, new setting. The most noticeable change, however, is that many of the reocurig characters will be missing this time. Some will make guest appearances or brief cameos here and there. Some won't.

Time is a cruel master. It convinces you that you're safe until you're literally in the jaws of the monster. Then it's like "Oopsie! My bad, probably should have warned you, but it's not my problem."

It's a bad feeling to wake up one day and realize that you're too weak to keep up. "If only I had actually gotten my butt in gear way back in the spring, maybe I could have had a fighting chance..."
Once again, a false sense of security and procrastination have overcome my will to just do it.
"Sometimes to stay alive you have to kill your mind"

They're slipping away, right through my fingers. I have two months until I say goodbye, but it looks like I already misused my window of opportunity. If only I had known how short it actually was.. no, if only I had actually tried while I had the chance instead of squandering away my time.

Feels like I'm mourning all over again.

Distinction

I really think there is a difference between 'hot' and 'attractive.'

We all know who the hot people are. There's a handful in every crowd, the ones you can't seem to tear your eyes from. They capture your attention in a peculiar way, but at the same time, someone can be hot and unattractive.

That babe can have horrible table manners or be vulgar or rude to the strangers on the street. They could be manipulative or unintelligent, have the bluest eyes and the straightest teeth,  and I wouldn't waste a minute on them. Only a second. Of staring. Because they are kind of hot even if I wouldn't to date them.

Thus, hot and attractive are not really the same word, dispite being used interchangeably in American pop culture. While 'hotness' usually has to do with appearance or one's surface characteristics, 'attractiveness' refers more to one'a character or inner characteristics.

Now that I know what an attractive person looks like, I just have to find one that isn't taken 🙃
Wish me luck.
Stay determined, frens.

Vantage Point

I've been playing a good bit of Mirror's Edge recently, and it's gotten me thinking about perspectives, vantage points, angels of attack.
You could see a sunrise or a sunset in the same sky from different places on the earth, or maybe in one place, the sun isn't visible at all.

Perspective is everything.
I heard a quote earlier, "Love is blind." Shakespeare nosing its way into a Christmas movie. When you really stop and think about what it means, you might find several variations of a single truth.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not find happiness in faultfinding.

From one angle, I have been blindly in love, blinded to the awful things within the one I loved.

From another, I have chosen to overlook certain flaws because I wanted to love someone unconditionally and refused to see the imperfections.

Both scenarios involve blindness in love, but one involves a conscious choice and one involves oblivion and naïveté.


Every day, I must choose where to plant myself, which ange I want to see something from. The best perches in the skyline of the city of glass don't come naturally. I have to train myself and be vigilant and intentional about what I think and say every day. One day, I'll get there. I know you will too.

Grief and Doubt

I am conflicted in a thousand different ways. I don't know what to think. It changes with the time of day, as if I'm unable to process everything at once and so can only feel one way at a time.

I saw him again today. He came to meet with someone. I passed by and briefly looked at him to study his features one last time since odds are high that I won't see him again, either forever or at least for the next four and a half years. 

He didn't look my way, but he must have known I was there. The blood drained from my face when I saw him walk up the hill a minute before. I didn't believe that was the one they said was coming. I thought it was some other by the same name, or some ghost of my imagination, but no, it was him.

What to do when you're haunted by a ghost that refuses to leave and have no way of knowing whether it's friend or foe?

I need to rest. My bronchitis makes it hard to talk for more than a few consecutive sentences at a time. I have so much work to do. I doubt if I'll ever finish it.

Unfortunate Soul

Two days.

Two days until I hand my executioner his axe.

I have to kill my own and only hopes and dreams for the future in a matter of hours.  

They've been bleeding out for days. I'm only signing the certificate, making it official.

The mourning began as soon as the first bullet took a leave of absence from its chamber.

"Heaven can wait. There's still work to do in Hell."

A certain blue-eyed demon is not quite in the ground.

"Can you save my heavydirtysoul for me?"

Hah...

So that happened.. Yahknow, that awkward moment when you convince your parents it's a "friendly outing," totally ready to rub it in their faces, when at the last possible second, you find out they were right. Ouch.

Like seriously. I'm done .-.

The whole time, I mean I could see how some things could go either way, but I was so convinced, and bam! The swift hammer of Realization struck me over the head. 

Ahh.. What to do?

I swore I wouldn't date in high school, but if I'm eighteen... 

Gah, I don't know. I need to consult my Advisor for this kind of delima. I might have just dug a hole I can't climb out of. 

Snowflake in the Sand

Today, April 14 of 2016, I have been singled out by my Lord. 

The Dark one has tempted me, and I'm deeply torn, but God has called me to resist Satan's charms and I have done it.

I've been trying to help a friend with AP Chemistry, and it's been a mess. They ended up asking me to lie to their parents  for them so they woulmd't get into trouble for seeing their friend. I was stuck between saving face for my friend and keeping God's commandment, so I prayed and I searched.  

It was no easy thing to do, to turn down a friend like that, but she really shouldn't have asked me something like that in the first place. I don't even know her that well. :( I'm sure it will work out for the best.