Nostalgia in a Nutshell (or rather in a Bobshell)

Last night, I visited my best friend for the first time in over a year,

and I honestly don't know what to say.

Just seeing her again brought back so many memories.... I was trying not to cry, but that didn't work out so well x'D::: 

But I didn't just cry because I missed her like crazy (which I did).

I cried my eyes out in the car as we left because I realized how much I missed my childhood and all the happiness I had. Syd was basically the highlight of my life, and it really hit me hard when we changed schools. I was so depressed... I'd known her so long that I didn't know how to be close to anyone else. I still don't. It's almost like I'm afraid to. 

But that's only part of it. Our Cornerstone friend Haley came to visit too, and she kept talking about how awful her public school is.. How druggies run rampant and nobody smiles, like the school itself has some dark aura about it. She was so upset about it, it's only natural for Sydney to recommend her awesome private school Mt. Paran. It really is a great school. She was just telling us how non-cliquey and accepting everyone is, and how even the color guard of 30 people does practically everything together. Their art teacher is amazing, too. He's like a wise and encouraging father-figure, and if that wasn't enough already, not a day goes by when someone does something amazing, like run halfway across a field to help someone carry some stools. 

I cried because I missed her, and I cried out of grief for myself. 

Mt. Paran seems like everything I could ask for in a school and then some, yet I can't have it.

I'm really glad Haley will get to go. She needs a school like that after all she's been through...I just can't help feeling a little cheated, yahknow?

All I can say is staying at River Ridge had better be worth it... worth my childhood, worth half-losing my closest friends, worth losing myself. 

River Ridge is a great school and all, but real positive influences are hard to come by, so I'm usually the one stuck influencing everyone else(which isn't a bad thing, but after two years, I still feel like a stranger.)  I have friends, but they aren't close, and I don't know how to make them close. Everything is so confusing. I don't know what to do anymore... This had better be worth it.

We are but jars of clay...

During the worship service at InsideOut, Candi(Candy?), an AMAZING singer who rotates around Mr. Andy Stanley's churches, said something that made me come to a realization of perspective.

She said something like "One of my favorite things about God is how he redeems and mends what this world has broken. He puts our shattered remains back together and makes them more beautiful than they started, even if they look worse before they look better.  In Corinthians 4:2 (or something... I cant't remember :/) It talks about God placing his treasures in jars of clay. We are His beautifully molded clay jars in which He places His treasure, His son, His light." Then, she went on to say that it's okay to have cracks because they better allow the light inside to shine through.

We are but jars of clay, beautiful in the eyes of our Potter who molded us in His own likeness and for our singular purposes.  Therefore, don't get upset when the firing leaves you with cracks, but embrace them as they let more of the Light inside shine through.

As far as each of our purposes, I have no way of knowing what lies in our paths, however, I have a pretty strong hunch about mine.

At least for now, I've found myself to be more of a gatekeeper who serves as both guide for those stumbling in the void, and guardian of the Light that is and will be.

Or maybe I've been playing too much Destiny xD 

Either way, I think the message was awesome (even though that wasn't the actual message, which was about dating and all that lovely stuff)

Anyway, as my best friend and I sometimes say, ciao for now!

R.I.P 1998-2013

...Honestly, I think I died last year.

I mean, during my low in 2013, probably around January, I was a wreck.

If I wasn't naïve, I was paranoid. Constantly.

I was terrified, and most of it was my own fault. I mean, if you give someone a knife, you can't point fingers when you end up dead. Same goes for Satan and his demon minions. I gave them the tools, so I should have seen it coming when they threw everything at me from strange people walking near my window at night, to moving shadows, and nightmares so vivid, I could feel their hot breath on the back of my neck.

...It was pretty bad.

Honestly, if it wasn't for my best friend, I don't think I would have made it. (Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, when we were still freakishly close... stupid school D: why you ruin my life?!? )

I'm just sorry I dragged her into that mess.

Fastforward a few good months(and a Kabouter bro-fist later), I officially quit watching/"associating" myself with both Hetalia and the thing whose name, henceforth, shall never leave my lips, and became quite the introverted little thang that sat alone in her chair at third period lunch...

Well, until a certain someone(*cough cough* KATIE) decided I was too lonely, and introduced me to an Indian kid named Tej. (OH my GOSH was that second day awkward... He just kinda plopped down at my table the next day, and... well, that's another story lol)

As the year progressed, I got used to being the exeption to almost every "You should have learned that   already", as I was, in fact, one of the only homeschool kids around. 

But something started to change in me, though I couldn't pinpoint what.

I couldn't remember who I was. 

I mean, I remembered my name, but the quiet, secretly fangirly Adeline was gone, leaving nothing but a shell waiting to be filled with a brand new being. (I literally can't remember who I was....the whole quiet bit was made up, I guess. :T)

Thus, I was born, or rather, renewed.

Since then, I've made many new friends (although none have come close to Syd)

and learned many new things I might not ought to. And though I might not have thought so then, I was truly blessed to have even those few moderately close friends in the library as Callie, Katie, Tej, and Josh, because this year, they're gone, and I miss them like I'd miss my left hand. They weren't imparative to my survival(nothing is, these days), but they filled all the needs my right hand could not, and so I miss them dearly.

Now, I'm a sophomore in High School, and I have no clue what to do. In the first days back to school, I was hopeful. Then, I became overwhelmed with grief and depression at (yet again) losing my friends.

At first, I blamed God for my grief, but now I see that separation was unavoidable, and I should thank God for caring so much as to put Tej in my first and third periods, and Taylor and Katie in my seventh. 

Tej is so quiet and shy that I'm so glad he's in first because in the few moments we have as he walks in to class, I have the chance to smile and say "goodmorning", and he can smile back without feeling self-conscious(I think... :P). That little bit makes me feel that much more loved by the God who so carefully shapes my life. 

If that weren't enough, I've become quite good friends with a girl named Amanda whom I share half my day's worth of classes, and Taylor Boardman who sits next to me in AP World History. She plays a French horn(a mezophone?) in marching band, and is also friends with Amanda.

(Then there's this guy named Zach in Sociology who I really like... Not in an awkward way, but more like a "Dude, I respect you." kind of way.  He's a sophomore this year, and his parents are busy at work all day so I guess he doesn't have much of a home life. What I really like, though, is how seriously he takes his studies(even electives) and how respectful he is when we debate. Even the other day during our "Is Torture Justified?" debate, he acknowledged how hazy and unfair the topic was despite making several valid points against my side. I need to write a nice note in his yearbook at the end... )

Oh, and I get to see Coach Roth and Mrs. Fraser every day too, so that helped. I still miss Mrs. Burn, though... and I don't see Mrs. Sawicki or Mr. Lewis nearly as often, although Profe Kirk is an awesome Spanish teacher.

But you know who I really miss?

Michael "Sebastian" Sawyer, that crazy junior who was in my math class last year.

Bailey Gilmer said he transferred to night school, so hopefully he'll do better there.

Remember that one time when Sebastian faked freaking out, jumping out of his desk and yelling "THIS ISN'T FAIR! WE NEVER DO ANYTHING IN THIS STUPID CLASS. WHY DO WE HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE WE'RE DOING WORK NOW?!" while Coach Roth was being "observed".

XDDD Gosh, the look on his face was PRICELESS.  

April 22, 2015

Sometimes I wish I could go back... But then, I would still be a foolish 14-year old. Empty isn't all bad. Coming to River Ridge might have been the best thing to happen to me. With the exception of Sarah and Emma, no one knows me, so I can be whoever I want and no one will care. It's my second chance: my fresh start. Even two years in, I have hardly a clue as to who I am, but I'm doing the best I can and I'm happy with my morale. In the past month, I've helped a young boy find peace with an old thorn in his side. If nothing else, that is worth all the pain I've endured. I'm making progress, slowly. Breathe in, breathe out. Every one is a precious struggle. I'm doing better with my new little friend. 

I'll try again tomorrow. 

Lost... And Found (and various other quotes)

Sun: "You're not frustrated anymore?"

John: "I'm not lost anymore."

Sun: "How did you do that?"

John: "Same way anything lost get's found... I stopped looking." 

(Lost: ...And Found. Season 2: Episode 5)

:D Love that show...

Sometimes, when I feel like the universe is conspiring to make my life miserable, I stop, take a deep breath, and say "God, I have no clue what I'm going to do about ______, so I'm placing it in Your hands."

Instead of drowning myself in my own sorrow, I remind myself that God isn't the cause of my problems; He's the solution. In the midst of my troubles on this sin-pit called Earth, God's walking right beside me every step of the way.

Like, right now, looking over my shoulder as I write this.

And don't forget that He hates sin more than I do... seriously!

Never lose hope either.  Even if you're holding on by your fingertips for days on end, don't, I repeat, don't. EVER. give up hope.

To this day, I can not recall a single instance where I questioned God in the moment, and wasn't satisfied with the end result looking back. It's going to be okay. Just trust Him.

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Well, you know what they say...

"There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way.'" - C. S. Lewis

Heh, so true. 

... I honestly forgot where I was going with this one, so I'll probably re-visit it in a year or two and respond in an edit... yep.

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Mr. Joel Osteen said this once at the beginning of a sermon:

"There are two kinds of Christians in the world: Those who wake up and say "Good morning, Lord!",

and those who wake up and say "Oh Lord, it's morning!" 

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"I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of it." - Kristen Armstrong

I saw this quote yesterday and couldn't help but post about it. 

It made me stop and really think.

I write about inspiration because I've seen the dark reaches of fear and depression..... and by some miracle, God picked me up when I had no stregth left to hold on. 

I'm not perfect, but over the last year or so, I learned how to live like my mother didn't until only recently - to just let go of things. 

99% of the time, people are too busy worrying about their own hair to judge yours. 

And besides, what is life without a few mistakes? You've got to laugh at yourself every once in a while!

On a side note(after watching The Giver with my dad last night):

Never forget that pain is necessary in order to know and appreciate love and joy.

If we didn't have sorrow, we'd be nothing more than puppets in a politically correct, but colorless, world. 

Keep fighting the good fight, and never stop for anything, for a man may be swallowed by the great jaws of Death, but an idea may outlast the universe.

"How are you not dead?"

"Because I am an idea, and Ideas never die."

First Week of School

Well, I finally managed to drop AP Psych after three straight days of "We decided to make dropping impossible by changing the policy Monday night", so that's a plus. Now, I'm in all the classes I wanted and my schedule's practically perfect with the best lunch period of the day... except the fact that I have no friends to share it with.

i would have been fine if I had at least Katie or Josh to fall back on during lunch, but nope. They just HAD to have fifth period and leave me all alone in fourth. 

The first day was okay because my (nowsenior) friend Aidan was there (we talked on the way out during one of three fire evacuations provided by some holligans messing with the Freshman lunch)

i literally know a total of seven people in my lunch period, and that includes two seniors.

I really hate my life right now.. -_-

First post, yay!

Hey all!
Here's how this is gonna work.
I write random stuff and you(me? And you all..) read it 50 years later, kinda like a written time capsule.



Okay, so, I bought a gamecube about a month ago, but turns out, the av-plug port was all messed up and knocked out of place from over-use. My mom and I went into Gamestop after my eye appointment to ask the guy there about it, and ended up inviting him to church lol. He's actually staying in Canton right now, and has been looking to join a church in the area, but didn't know where to start. Heh, my mom heard him say he was blessed to be where he was, and immediately honed in.
He's a really good artist, too. Went to SCAD for a few years...

We eventually took the Gamecube back, had it checked out and replaced with a nice (working) silver one. Mom started up a conversation with one blond guy there who helped us out, and we found out he was a Kennesaw State grad from the music program, and privately produces with some friends.
One of the other two guys going through inventory cursed, and our friend didn't hesitate to tell him to "watch it!"

 I just want to say I was really blown away by how kind and respectful these guys were. (met 'em in video game stores, of all places!)  Also, if you want to make semi-awkward friends with store clerks, let my mom tag along. You'll know the whole town in a matter of minutes xD lol not really, but she is pretty good at making conversations and generally being friendly, even in the most unfitting of places.

Moral of the story: Always try to be at your best. You never know when you'll make a new friend!
Also, never forget that there are some good people in the world. You're not alone, so don't pretend to be.
Assume the worst, but hope for the best!