I'm not

I'm not so graceful as panther,
Or as tall as a tree.
I'm not as a agile as a hummingbird
Or driven as a bee.
I'm not as proud as a lioness,
Or cheerful as three at mealtime,
But I'm exactly who I should,
And I'm proud to be me.

Note to a Certain Someone

My note from today:

Hey there :)

I wish you would talk to me more.
I'm lonely at school. Since I have fourth-period lunch and the library's on food-probation, I have to mooch off of some table in the cafeteria for the first fifteen minutes or so and then hope Tiana and Natalie will be in the library to keep me company. I have a few good friends like Macy, Amanda, Katie, and Callie of course, but I only see them for a short time. I don't think anyone really likes me there. I'm probably not pretty enough for their taste, and I was always quiet and bookish.
Sarah Swetlick knew it well. We went to school together before coming here. I was half-made fun of for being so "smart."
I wonder how you handle yours.

I remember when we talked about stress in lit class. You said you had none. I figured you were either a soul half-detached from its body or flat-out lying. What ever the case, I didn't take your answer lightly.

You're a very gifted young man, and I dare say more on-the-ball than I let myself be, but I don't know what else to make of you. It would be rude of me to ask anything personal, yet I doubt you'd want to tell. If I can muster the courage, I'll link you to this blog senior year. You'd better buy a yearbook. This is more than personal.

Note to a Certain Someone

I wonder if I should just stop trying.

Of course, he's so shy he'd never tell me if he likes me at all, or how I looked in my creamy flowered dress, or if I'm just a nuisance to his work.
So many questions and not an answer to be found.

Maybe he's just waiting until college because he(or his parents) thinks it unwise to make high school attachments when they'll be dashed away in the end. I don't know what to think.

Maybe I'll never know.

With my luck, I'll die a virgin, living alone in some suburban dorm. As much as I like the serenity of silence, I can't live without someone to live for. I'd have no reason to be.

Maybe he's not the one after all. Maybe I can't have a fairy tale. Maybe my expectations are too much to ask.

Maybe my female hormones are making me dilusional.

I don't even..

Note to a Certain Someone

I have so much to say. Where should I start?

I guess I'll start at the start of it all.

There are a few things I'd like a certain someone to know about myself. This blog as a whole should serve as more of a gateway to the whispers of my soul, because it whispers and rarely shouts. 
From the perspective of a sophomore in high school:
I usually don't say what I'd like to. I'm very fond of my friend Tej, both fond and curious about him, but I usually don't say what I'd like because I can't. My thoughts don't translate into words as quickly as I need them to, and I'm tired of sounding like an idiot all the time, so I'm about ready to stop. But that isn't me. I have so much to say, I literally rant essays and form prose while I wallow in my silence in class.
I'm unsatisfied with who I am. My tone is too sarcastic from spending only two years with the public-school population. It's exhausting. Most "big 5" personality tests rank me as 40-50% Extrovert. I always do my best to be friendly and agreeable, but somtimes I become so overwhelmed with my own awkwardness and society's petty wills that I have to get away from it all. I enjoy soaking up the silence of my bedroom. Sometimes music helps, but only soothing instrumentals or tracks from SoundOfTheAviators. Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to him. Tej seems to have a quiet soul like my own: one that whispers and rarely shouts. I'm naturally curious about what goes on inside his head. What's he thinking right now? What does he believe about this or that? What is life like through his eyes? I wish I knew.

I wish I knew what his favorite color was, or what he would do with one million dollars. Believe it or not, one can tell a lot about a person based on their answers.

If Tej ever read this, I'd like him to know I'm really not as lazy as I seem. Since he's so driven with his studies and passions, it's hard for me to measure up. I almost feel upstaged by that note. Honestly, I do work hard with what I commit to, but some days my motivation flies off to help someone else, leaving me in a heap of worthlessness. It's an awful feeling.
Another thing is the societal expectations surrounding us all. You're always so stolid about your work that sometimes I wonder if you really enjoy it. Society's pressure seems to have forced your squareness into one pentagon mold, but left my triangular form with nowhere to go. To this day, I have found no one place I'd like to stay. I'm too emotional to be a vetrenarian, too blood-shy to be a doctor, too discontented to be an actuarian, too rebellious to be a physicist, too adventurous to be a programmer, and too creative to be a dog of the military. I don't know what to do. If I could do anything I wanted, I'd be a quaint missionary, artist, and poet, but then I wouldn't eat. I suppose I could be those things as a wife, but then my husband would be confined to the labors of life for my own sake. I don't even think I'm cut out to be a mother. I've already proven myself to be a decent mentor, cook, and housekeeper, but mothering is five jobs in one.
If I wasn't so anti-communist, I'd say "they should have a test for these kinds of delimas!"

Augh, I hate the world..

What's your favorite thing in the world?

"What's your most favorite thing in the whole world - no, the universe?"

Someone asked something like that last night at my friend Gracie's surprise party.
The idea was for people to get a better feel for each other, like asking your favorite food or color when you introduce yourself. The effect it produced, however, was much more profound.

At first, I said something like "beaches, because they're so relaxing." Now, I realize all I missed in that fifteen seconds.

This post, if nothing else, should be saved as a memory of the here and now in the case that this Earth is no more.
I love the sky. I love the trees. I love how things can fly. I love heat and sight and smells and sounds. I love all the color dripping from the world like an old Wendy's cup. I love how the stars shine on a clear summer's night.
I love taking walks on rainy days and making snow cones in the middle of winter. I love laughing and crying and accidentally peeing when I sneeze. I love hearing the birds chirp at 6:00AM. I love friendship and courtship. I love love.

What do you love about this 'ole place?

Laying Down the Law

Before any marriage dates should be discussed, make sure to plan and have a nice long conversation about whether or not your significant other plans to marry you at some point, and if so, what marriage looks like to the both of you, and what kinds of rules you'd like to set.

Here's a good starting point that can be added to as you go:

• No walking around the house in one:s undergarments. It's impolite and it makes me uncomfortable.

• Wipe the toilet seat after you're done, please.

• If conflict gets too heated, it's better to pause and come back to it when everyone's calm.

•

Vibes

Some people just have a good aura about them. You know who I'm talking about: that hand-full of people out there who make you feel all warm and fuzzy when they're around.

I came across one such person today at the Kroger deli. He was a friendly young man with shoulder-length dreads and a beaming smile. He wasn't much taller than I, but man, those feels!

Besides the first guy, I can only think of a few other people with "good vibes."

One is Chad. I swear, I've never once felt uneasy around him. He's sweet as a button and I miss him quite a bit.

Then, there's Ben, my mom's seventh-grade red-headed assistant in her K/1st small group at Upstreet. He's so warm and patient. The kids love him to pieces.

Saving the best for last, of course, I have my best friend Sydney. English hath too few words to describe her in a page. Her eyes are patient and her mind is sharp. She's about the most caring person I know :)

Sometimes

Sometimes I just ball up and cry.
I don't know why.
I know why, but really
I bite my lip and lie
And, come next day,
I'd rather die,
A ticking time-bomb,
Mellow to ash in a single "fie."
Why try?

10 Seconds, Guardian.

These are the things which make a warrior: to keep advancing while under fire, to stand tall on your knees when your legs are no more, to stare death in the eye and spit with all you can muster, to grin as though you've won at those who oppress you, to laugh louder than the laughs directed to your face, to stand taller when you are knocked, to fight more intensely when you are wounded, to rip, tooth and claw, through the ranks with your final breath. These are the things which make a warrior. Strive to be one. Choose your battles wisely, and fight to the death the ones which you choose.

"Ten seconds[, guardian]. Give 'em Hell." - Lord Shaxx, Crucible Handler