Keeper of the Night

Whoo! My other post is having issues with pictures, so I'll have to put those in later.
For now, let's talk Jesus.

Let me say curfew is at 11:00pm. By 11:00ish, we're supposed to be shut up in our condos for the night, but we're not the rule-following type. After all, who wants to do small group with only half of the group?
Ok, it was more like What Are the Odds and making macaroni than talking Jesus, but you know what I mean. And ordering pizza. At midnight.

So, for the past three nights, we've snuck over to the other condo until about 1:00am and scurried back to ours just to be chased by the volunteer Curfew Enforcers.
One time, they flashed their flashlight at us, so we broke out into a sprint and fell on our faces when we made it inside.

That not so friendly knock on the door came a couple times now.

On a side note, hacking open popsicles with a machete-length kitchen knife is a scary thing.

Sunday night, Ms. Leslie decided to drive from Late Night to the condo complex, so Macy, Ms. Ashley and I tagged along.
Well, you see, Les decided to swing by Taco Bell to get some "real food," thinking it would only take a second. Little did we know that a line of three cars would take more than 10 minutes in the short staffed establishment. We did order around eight tacos, but ten whole minutes? Seriously?
The lady in front of us took another five minutes to order, and to top it all off, some guy thought it'd be a great idea to jaywalk in the middle of the intersection. Actually, he was in the crosswalk, but he didn't have the light. We almost hit him, yet he didn't even notice us! He was facing the left and walking forward. Gosh, I hope he wasn't on drugs.

I swear on my life, that was totally a God thing.

Anyway, Monday afternoon, Ms. Leslie decided to head over to the secluded hot tub behind the hidden "grotto" pool. I wasn't there from the start, but when Chloe, Macy, and I joined the party, our girls were talking to a group of Buckhead junior boys with some freshman youngins mixed in.. And Ms. Leslie went back to the condo.
After a few games of kid-friendly Telephone and a few comings and goings, the around the circle "say your name, favorite color, etc." escalated to a not so friendly game of What Are The Odds.
Most of the juniors adopted nicknames, so I don't know their names, but this one guy was a bit odd. I was getting peculiar vibes off of him, different than the rest of the group.
He was a medium-long spiky, disheveled brunette and usually walked with his head forward. There was no mistaking he was in charge with his polite, but authoritative voice. The others could do what they wanted, but he held the stamp of approval.
When discussing the criteria of What Are The Odds, he was the guy to say "Let's keep it PG. Nothing inappropriate, ok?" That alone tells me a lot about his character, but when I stopped to say hi on the bridge the next day, he didn't seem interested in talking. My best guess is the last session left him sombre, deep in thought.
He was the wolf among dogs.
I hope to cross paths once again.

Shift Your Sails, My Beauty

Today, I tagged along with my brother's friend's older sister to Sea Scouts, the co-ed, badgeless version of sea-fairing boy scouts.
Yep.
We were suppose to go out on the water today, but a hefty lightning storm shut that idea, so we stayed inside, played some games, and learned a little bit about compasses and navigation.

Lesson 1: Nautical miles are not miles.
People use Nautical miles because the earth is round, not flat. On a map, one degree of Latitude equals one Nautical mile, which equals one second, I think.

Ehh, anyway, I had fun, net some people, and got a feel for what sailing's all about.

Seem to bland?
Time for the twist.

One of the seniors(?) is double-majoring in Psychology and Sociology. Interesting guy.
Fairly typical brainiac in the way of more book smarts than people smarts, but that's never really bothered me.
I've hung around enough nerds to cut to the chase.

I'm interested in Psychology as more of a curiosity, so naturally, I asked if he's focussing on a specific theory.
He said he supports Skinner, the behaviorist with the famous dog and meat powder stimulus/response experiment, but doesn't agree that genetics determines behavior.
Not too shabby. I'd say the same.

He also mentioned he tends to analyze people, and that usually leads to less friendly interactions.

Two red flags.
He's looking to work in the field, so there's no doubt in my mind that I want to know why he chose his study.
He reminded me a little of myself, so if he is anything like myself, he won't easily let the dust cabinets fly open. It may be too personal. If so, I will have all the answer I want. No need to pry.

Back to the red flags, his hints may have hinted too much. If he is anything like me, he would have held a conversation like a chess game: talking with his mouth and processing with his eyes. His eyes were bright and still, like they were fixed, focussing intently on one spot.
I have a strong feeling he caught a vibe from me because he was so interested in talking to me from that point on. Maybe I'm overanalyzing this, but that's just how I work.

I think he saw something. I think he was looking for gaps in my front. No telling what.

Never Back Down

I'm becoming a regular title-thief haha. This time, it's a song about Daring Do by Aviators featuring Yelling At Cats.

Hey you!
Yeah you, future self:

Don't give up.
Stand. Kneel. But no matter what, don't surrender your feet to the ground.

You're so sociable and bright(and actually kinda cute). You have SO much to live for.
Yes, there are haters. They have "hatred against those enjoying real satisfaction."
Don't worry about them. You can't help a fox out of a bear trap if he's more willing to snarl than surrender.
You're so beautiful. So smart, so strong, so valued.
If nothing else, live on to spite those who rise up against you.
When you're the last man standing (and they're all sitting), you will taste Heaven's nectar in victory, but until then, keep fighting the good fight.

If you can walk into a fencing practice full of strangers and walk out with a dozen friends, I have no doubt of your likeability and agreeableness.
9 times out of 10, you can find a positive in a predominately negative situation. The good in a person. Anyone.
You're an excellent judge of character and wise as you can be.

God has blessed you in so many ways.
You were lonely, so He heard your pleas and gave you friends both new and old.
We went to the movies. We went to lunch. We we on retreats. We fenced until sweat ran like a river into our eyes. It was glorious and beautiful thing, and you still have it.
You have God's oil of anointing on your head. You are his daughter: His prized and beloved creation.
He loves you dearly, hurts when He sees you hurting.

Don't ever doubt it, girl :)

Advice for Adult Life

1) Get a financial plan.

2) Think about things at least 6 months in advance.
This includes birthdays.

Ideas for wedding gifts:
Gift cards(to Ikea, Home Depot, Pier One Imports), cast-iron skillet, porffej pan, long copper ladle.

I Can, I Will

You Can, You Will is an awesome book by Joel Osteen, but I'm just borrowing the title haha.

According to Coach, I have the components of a champion. I just have to realize it. Own it. Be it.

Eduardo called me "Champ" today haha.
He sure is funny, and yet he still manages to sprinkle in seeds of sincerity.
That crazy foilist.. I swear, if he can't convert you, he'll at least walk you through a dozen thought processes of third and fourth intentions. He sure is quick on his mind.

Quotes

I had another post titled "If I Had A Footnote..."
I think it was deleted when I tried to publish. Weird..

Anyway:

"Remember, remember the fifth of November, the gunpowder, treason, and plot. I know of no reason why the gunpowder treason should ever be forgot." - V

"Do Hard Things." - Alex and Brett Harris

"I will try again tomorrow."

"Ten seconds, Guardian. Give 'em Hell!" - Lord Shaxx, Crucible Handler

"Hit the piñata! Hit the piñata! Sah sah wing watah- Hit the piñata~" - Song from Clarence

Me and I

There's me, I, and on some really bad days, we. But there's no myself. There never was and there may never be.

Me and I were once separate identities.
I saw myself as a soul trapped within a cage of force and hostility.
Now, I've come to make peace with my body.
My unshapely mouth and fleshy scars.
They're all mine now, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

They've made me who I am.
I tolerate me now.

Tempest

It's a miserable existence to dance among one's fears, spinning, round and round, swooping, swirling, pouncing, clawing, yet never touching, for to touch my fear would be the end of me.
The end of my fantasy.

My eyes dilate. My arms twist as damp fibrous sinews.
I reach and I claw. My foot is trapped.
I have to sing the song of death.
I'll have to burn the frays.

"How can anybody live in a world so cruel and beautiful?" - Attack on Titan - Beautiful, Cruel World

In the swirling tempest of emotions, one's head becomes a milkshake. One's heart, a gaping rift. Cracks in the sidewalk.  Grand Canyon of the ant world.

If I'm just short of seventeen years into my expanse of existence, I don't know how I will continue. Eighty more is out of the question.
Sixteen years, and I'm already tired, size, tortured, sullen, scarred.

I'm in a snowglobe.
Why did You put me here?
Why me? What purpose do you have?
I don't see a thing worth fighting for.
I'm so empty and dry.
I don't know what to do.

If I wake up tomorrow, I'll try again.
If not, F*ck this sin-pit.
I'm done.

What type of guy do I like?

I have to say. Those quizzes are so stupid xD

"In a usual week, what are you doing in your free time?"
A) Curling up with a good book
B) Your hobbies (drawing, crafting)
C) Playing a sport/exercising
D) Listening to music
E) Adventuring

All of the above???

"Pick a word that describes you."
A) Caring
B) Loud
C) Adventurous
D) Dorky
E) Intelligent
F) Artistic
G) Friendly
H) Loyal
I) Generous
J) Hardworking

I need a check box. Not a bubble.

Results: "Smart and [attractive!]
Your like the quiet, bookish geniuses of the world." Yadda yadda yadda.

I like some in that "type" as friends, but I'd rather marry someone who can be outgoing. The smart, funny, deep, honest, and somewhat athletic combo is my type. I'd rather be the artistic one in the group.

Meh.
Quizzes in general are stupid. They're so bleh.. I can take five quizzes of the same theme and get five completely different results.
It's pretty sad lol

I'm on the verge of giving up.
I want someone with a gentle heart, a sharp mind, a kind soul, and a spirit of faith.

Where to find him?
You tell me.
I thought I had, but he's hundreds of miles away.

In this world, science and faith are seen like cats and dogs, apples and oranges.
They're looked at on two totally separate levels.

I'd say it takes science to explore the unexplainable and faith to accept it.
But that's me.
I'm not the world.

The Bucket List

A few things I'd like to do while I'm still on earth, and a few things I'd like to do after.

Now:

Learn to flamenco dance
Learn to salsa dance(in honor of Coach Oswaldo)
Learn to water color a town on a rainy, puddly day
Cook with Italian Flat Beans
Learn to cook with different spices
Learn to shade and shape
Learn to work with clay and charcoal
Learn to work with water color
Learn to work with calligraphy brushes
Go dancing all night
Soak in the stars on a clear night by the water
Go fly fishing
Go white-water rafting
Make peace with a snake
Go to every continent
Climb a mountain and watch a sunrise
Sleep in until noon
Get married
Have my first kiss
Learn to carve wood
Take singing lessons
Compose a symphony in A minor
Figure out what A minor actually sounds like
Pass high school
Make it into college
Make it out of college
Figure out a major
Stay debt free(for the most part)
Kick two more habits
Plant a flower garden
Plant raspberries on a lattice
Grow my own tomatoes
Find a mentor
Become a mentor
Spend a day at the library
Get a job
Change a tire
Dance in the rain
Go back to Europe
Adopt an animal
Sponsor two kids
Get a psychological evaluation
Think about being a prison counsellor
Bake a birthday cake and write an encouraging note to someone in prison AND someone in jail
Find a decent senior project
Become a baroness of Sealand

Friends

Last Sunday at InsideOut, our host became our speaker and spent a few minutes talking about friends.

Friends.

If you get into the right friend group, you'll beast mode high school.

Friends.
Not drinking buddies. Friends.
People who'll keep each other accountable at a party. People who're on the same page. People who've got your back.

I came to the rude awakening I'd been suspecting for a while, and opened my eyes.

I don't have friends.
I have mutual friends, people I kind of know in my kind of classes and sort of gym, but I don't have accountability partners.
I'm on the same page with a few people, but we aren't close.
It's just so hard for me to open up and trust people, yah know? I've only opened up to a handful of people, and for good reason.
I'm afraid my secrets and self are too deep for most anyone to handle.
They might see me as a beast and push me away.

I have friends. Kindred spirits.

One of them has a hectic schedule and goes to another school. Two of them moved several states away. One of them lives halfway across the country. Two of them live halfway across the world.

I have friends, true friends, but they're too far away.

So, I've been praying with more humility than I've had in a long time, and for three days this week, God has answered my prayers.

On Wednesday and Thursday, Chad and Carlee stopped by the gym to train.
I was so eager to see them, I trained for an hour on Monday, and stayed for three hours each day for the other two.
Besides them, some miracle brought Ms. Debra Vega and Chad Harper there too.

On Thursday, God brought me Sydney.
She brought me such joy, I don't even have the words to express it.

So far at my school, I've made at least two semi close friends each year.
Unfortunately, with changing lunch periods, classes, and seats, it's been difficult to keep them.

I hope I can keep the one. Maybe both. Three if I'm lucky.
I don't believe in luck.

It takes one to two years to forge a nice relationship with me. More than two and a little bit of effort, close friends. More than three and a truckload, loyal friend for life.

Syd and I have been friends for about ten years.
I'm sad we're so far away now. I hope we can meet up again in July :)

I may be on my own right now, but I will find my friends. Even if it takes one hundred years. I'll find them. Someday.

I'm Tired

I'm tired of fighting.

I'm tired of dragging myself out of bed every morning after a long, sleepless night.

I'm tired, I'm angry, I'm hurting.

I want to change. I don't want to be alone.. But I don't know how. I don't have the strength to pull myself up. I need another hand. But where to find one?

I'm always caught between "They aren't quite right" and "what if they don't like me?"

It's like drowning in my own self pity because I'm too ashamed to drag myself onto that beach of surrender. The dark wood beyond is out of the question.

Lately, my frustrations have been spilling out of my sides like a wound that won't heal.

So much anger, so much darkness.

It's been weeks since the incident. He's gotten so much better, but I mistrust him.
I'm not so easily forgiving as a dog anymore.
I decided not to take crap from people, but I want to change again. I want to forgive with the depths of my soul.

Now you, reader, will be bearer of witness to my soliloquy today. My wishes shall come forth. Forever, I want to change.

I've killed her off once before and built myself from her ashes. I can do it again.

Today, I am kind, shy, semi-attractive, a decent gamer, a decent fencer, and excellent but unorganized writer, lazy, lusty against my will, half mature, awkward in my movements and words, argumentative, judgmental, and full of ugly mental words.
I am selfish, I am a decent artist, I am depressive, I am ashamed, and I am slobbish. I am a procrastinator.

In the future, I want to be selfless. I want to be both fun and mature. I want to be kind, considerate, clear in my thoughts, and unlike my father. I want to be frugal but not vain in my money saving. I want to buy one carton of Mayfield and not three of store brand.  I want to be a better sister, great future mother, and wife to my wonderful future husband. I want to be humble and never boast. I want to always be patient and sincere. No fake faces here! That means not being afraid to tell someone, "Hold up for a sec. I have to pee!" I want to be reassuring, helpful, proactive, smart, funny, and enjoyable to be around. I want to be more than willing to die for a thief. I want to be more trusting of God.

I want to have a friend or two that I can depend on to hold me accountable and vice versa.
I want friends that will be kind to me, lend a pencil if I somehow forget. I want friends who'll take care of me, who've "got my back."

Last night, I had a dream where I forgot my phone and Kite Runner book in the car. We were on a boat. On stormy waters. The waves were literally violent, and that's saying a lot coming from me.
A guy around 18 hears old overheard my telling my mom and dad what happened, and a lady telling me it was too dangerous to go out, and came back with the two items before I could decline the unspoken offer.
He barely knew me, and yet he took care of my need without me even asking.
I want friends like him. I want to be like him.

I am shakable, yet unbreakable.
I am terrified, but I will walk on.
I am alone right now.
I will be ok. Just a little longer, sweetie :)

Today, I've unravelled my soul.
Today, I'm taking back control.

Don't forget me. I want to forget, but I'll live on in your memories~ Never forget.
I've come so far, forgetting now will only make me a fool. My regrets are real, but I wouldn't change them for the world. I've made peace with my scars.

Time to wall on.

Children of the Past

The generation of today is not the generation of tomorrow, nor the generation of two "yesterdays" ago.  It is different. Unique. A butterfly with its own set of stripes. Culture is always changing, bit culture is also influenced by the past, making historical knowledge imperative.

I will record my findings, though my findings are mine and subject to be wrong. Culture is hard to generalize. I'll do my best.

1) Despite the endless variety of spices seen in 2015, the children of the Great Depression tend to reach for salt and pepper. Salt and pepper for the eggs. Salt and pepper for the salad. Salt and pepper for the avocado, casserole, and meat sauce.
This may be due to growing up with nothing but salt and pepper. Fancy tennis shoes are great, but why would a Roman soldier sacrifice his gruff leather sandals for something unfamiliar and strange?
He was born in those sandals, and he's going to die in those sandals. "Shoe store up the street? That's great! I'll get a pair for my grandkids. Give me my sandals."

2) Racial discrimination tends to be more commonplace. Not usually blatant, but more.

"Always talk and smile at the black folks so they know there are white people in Brunswick that don't discriminate." - Mom

Jews, African Americans, Hispanics, Arabs, and "Japs." The masses were strange and separated out of fear.
"Different" sometimes means "bad" with this generation. Not at all the case with the Millennials, two generations and a web page later.

A Thousand Times Over

"For you a thousand times over," said young Hassan, a fictional Afghan and half-brother of Amir in Khaled Hosseini's The Kite Runner.

Hassan is that goofy, harelipped Hazara. He's the painstakingly loyal friend and the hard working servant. He's the illiterate playmate who loves stories when they come from Amir. He's curious and kind, brave, smart, quick-witted. The best kite runner in all of Kabul.

In some ways, he is me. In some ways, I am his brother, betraying out of cowardice.

In my new life, I want to become more like him. Loyalty, check!