Grief and Doubt

I am conflicted in a thousand different ways. I don't know what to think. It changes with the time of day, as if I'm unable to process everything at once and so can only feel one way at a time.

I saw him again today. He came to meet with someone. I passed by and briefly looked at him to study his features one last time since odds are high that I won't see him again, either forever or at least for the next four and a half years. 

He didn't look my way, but he must have known I was there. The blood drained from my face when I saw him walk up the hill a minute before. I didn't believe that was the one they said was coming. I thought it was some other by the same name, or some ghost of my imagination, but no, it was him.

What to do when you're haunted by a ghost that refuses to leave and have no way of knowing whether it's friend or foe?

I need to rest. My bronchitis makes it hard to talk for more than a few consecutive sentences at a time. I have so much work to do. I doubt if I'll ever finish it.