...Honestly, I think I died last year.
I mean, during my low in 2013, probably around January, I was a wreck.
If I wasn't naïve, I was paranoid. Constantly.
I was terrified, and most of it was my own fault. I mean, if you give someone a knife, you can't point fingers when you end up dead. Same goes for Satan and his demon minions. I gave them the tools, so I should have seen it coming when they threw everything at me from strange people walking near my window at night, to moving shadows, and nightmares so vivid, I could feel their hot breath on the back of my neck.
...It was pretty bad.
Honestly, if it wasn't for my best friend, I don't think I would have made it. (Sometimes I wish I could go back in time, when we were still freakishly close... stupid school D: why you ruin my life?!? )
I'm just sorry I dragged her into that mess.
Fastforward a few good months(and a Kabouter bro-fist later), I officially quit watching/"associating" myself with both Hetalia and the thing whose name, henceforth, shall never leave my lips, and became quite the introverted little thang that sat alone in her chair at third period lunch...
Well, until a certain someone(*cough cough* KATIE) decided I was too lonely, and introduced me to an Indian kid named Tej. (OH my GOSH was that second day awkward... He just kinda plopped down at my table the next day, and... well, that's another story lol)
As the year progressed, I got used to being the exeption to almost every "You should have learned that already", as I was, in fact, one of the only homeschool kids around.
But something started to change in me, though I couldn't pinpoint what.
I couldn't remember who I was.
I mean, I remembered my name, but the quiet, secretly fangirly Adeline was gone, leaving nothing but a shell waiting to be filled with a brand new being. (I literally can't remember who I was....the whole quiet bit was made up, I guess. :T)
Thus, I was born, or rather, renewed.
Since then, I've made many new friends (although none have come close to Syd)
and learned many new things I might not ought to. And though I might not have thought so then, I was truly blessed to have even those few moderately close friends in the library as Callie, Katie, Tej, and Josh, because this year, they're gone, and I miss them like I'd miss my left hand. They weren't imparative to my survival(nothing is, these days), but they filled all the needs my right hand could not, and so I miss them dearly.
Now, I'm a sophomore in High School, and I have no clue what to do. In the first days back to school, I was hopeful. Then, I became overwhelmed with grief and depression at (yet again) losing my friends.
At first, I blamed God for my grief, but now I see that separation was unavoidable, and I should thank God for caring so much as to put Tej in my first and third periods, and Taylor and Katie in my seventh.
Tej is so quiet and shy that I'm so glad he's in first because in the few moments we have as he walks in to class, I have the chance to smile and say "goodmorning", and he can smile back without feeling self-conscious(I think... :P). That little bit makes me feel that much more loved by the God who so carefully shapes my life.
If that weren't enough, I've become quite good friends with a girl named Amanda whom I share half my day's worth of classes, and Taylor Boardman who sits next to me in AP World History. She plays a French horn(a mezophone?) in marching band, and is also friends with Amanda.
(Then there's this guy named Zach in Sociology who I really like... Not in an awkward way, but more like a "Dude, I respect you." kind of way. He's a sophomore this year, and his parents are busy at work all day so I guess he doesn't have much of a home life. What I really like, though, is how seriously he takes his studies(even electives) and how respectful he is when we debate. Even the other day during our "Is Torture Justified?" debate, he acknowledged how hazy and unfair the topic was despite making several valid points against my side. I need to write a nice note in his yearbook at the end... )
Oh, and I get to see Coach Roth and Mrs. Fraser every day too, so that helped. I still miss Mrs. Burn, though... and I don't see Mrs. Sawicki or Mr. Lewis nearly as often, although Profe Kirk is an awesome Spanish teacher.
But you know who I really miss?
Michael "Sebastian" Sawyer, that crazy junior who was in my math class last year.
Bailey Gilmer said he transferred to night school, so hopefully he'll do better there.
Remember that one time when Sebastian faked freaking out, jumping out of his desk and yelling "THIS ISN'T FAIR! WE NEVER DO ANYTHING IN THIS STUPID CLASS. WHY DO WE HAVE TO PRETEND LIKE WE'RE DOING WORK NOW?!" while Coach Roth was being "observed".
XDDD Gosh, the look on his face was PRICELESS.
April 22, 2015
Sometimes I wish I could go back... But then, I would still be a foolish 14-year old. Empty isn't all bad. Coming to River Ridge might have been the best thing to happen to me. With the exception of Sarah and Emma, no one knows me, so I can be whoever I want and no one will care. It's my second chance: my fresh start. Even two years in, I have hardly a clue as to who I am, but I'm doing the best I can and I'm happy with my morale. In the past month, I've helped a young boy find peace with an old thorn in his side. If nothing else, that is worth all the pain I've endured. I'm making progress, slowly. Breathe in, breathe out. Every one is a precious struggle. I'm doing better with my new little friend.
I'll try again tomorrow.
