Distinction

I really think there is a difference between 'hot' and 'attractive.'

We all know who the hot people are. There's a handful in every crowd, the ones you can't seem to tear your eyes from. They capture your attention in a peculiar way, but at the same time, someone can be hot and unattractive.

That babe can have horrible table manners or be vulgar or rude to the strangers on the street. They could be manipulative or unintelligent, have the bluest eyes and the straightest teeth,  and I wouldn't waste a minute on them. Only a second. Of staring. Because they are kind of hot even if I wouldn't to date them.

Thus, hot and attractive are not really the same word, dispite being used interchangeably in American pop culture. While 'hotness' usually has to do with appearance or one's surface characteristics, 'attractiveness' refers more to one'a character or inner characteristics.

Now that I know what an attractive person looks like, I just have to find one that isn't taken 🙃
Wish me luck.
Stay determined, frens.

Vantage Point

I've been playing a good bit of Mirror's Edge recently, and it's gotten me thinking about perspectives, vantage points, angels of attack.
You could see a sunrise or a sunset in the same sky from different places on the earth, or maybe in one place, the sun isn't visible at all.

Perspective is everything.
I heard a quote earlier, "Love is blind." Shakespeare nosing its way into a Christmas movie. When you really stop and think about what it means, you might find several variations of a single truth.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not find happiness in faultfinding.

From one angle, I have been blindly in love, blinded to the awful things within the one I loved.

From another, I have chosen to overlook certain flaws because I wanted to love someone unconditionally and refused to see the imperfections.

Both scenarios involve blindness in love, but one involves a conscious choice and one involves oblivion and naïveté.


Every day, I must choose where to plant myself, which ange I want to see something from. The best perches in the skyline of the city of glass don't come naturally. I have to train myself and be vigilant and intentional about what I think and say every day. One day, I'll get there. I know you will too.

Grief and Doubt

I am conflicted in a thousand different ways. I don't know what to think. It changes with the time of day, as if I'm unable to process everything at once and so can only feel one way at a time.

I saw him again today. He came to meet with someone. I passed by and briefly looked at him to study his features one last time since odds are high that I won't see him again, either forever or at least for the next four and a half years. 

He didn't look my way, but he must have known I was there. The blood drained from my face when I saw him walk up the hill a minute before. I didn't believe that was the one they said was coming. I thought it was some other by the same name, or some ghost of my imagination, but no, it was him.

What to do when you're haunted by a ghost that refuses to leave and have no way of knowing whether it's friend or foe?

I need to rest. My bronchitis makes it hard to talk for more than a few consecutive sentences at a time. I have so much work to do. I doubt if I'll ever finish it.

Unfortunate Soul

Two days.

Two days until I hand my executioner his axe.

I have to kill my own and only hopes and dreams for the future in a matter of hours.  

They've been bleeding out for days. I'm only signing the certificate, making it official.

The mourning began as soon as the first bullet took a leave of absence from its chamber.

"Heaven can wait. There's still work to do in Hell."

A certain blue-eyed demon is not quite in the ground.

"Can you save my heavydirtysoul for me?"

Hah...

So that happened.. Yahknow, that awkward moment when you convince your parents it's a "friendly outing," totally ready to rub it in their faces, when at the last possible second, you find out they were right. Ouch.

Like seriously. I'm done .-.

The whole time, I mean I could see how some things could go either way, but I was so convinced, and bam! The swift hammer of Realization struck me over the head. 

Ahh.. What to do?

I swore I wouldn't date in high school, but if I'm eighteen... 

Gah, I don't know. I need to consult my Advisor for this kind of delima. I might have just dug a hole I can't climb out of. 

Snowflake in the Sand

Today, April 14 of 2016, I have been singled out by my Lord. 

The Dark one has tempted me, and I'm deeply torn, but God has called me to resist Satan's charms and I have done it.

I've been trying to help a friend with AP Chemistry, and it's been a mess. They ended up asking me to lie to their parents  for them so they woulmd't get into trouble for seeing their friend. I was stuck between saving face for my friend and keeping God's commandment, so I prayed and I searched.  

It was no easy thing to do, to turn down a friend like that, but she really shouldn't have asked me something like that in the first place. I don't even know her that well. :( I'm sure it will work out for the best.

Blehghdbjeb

Have you ever been hit on before..?

Makes me want to go curl up in a corner, or facepalm.. like, bruh ō-ō I can't even.

Just.. asjdudhvrnwgfheb

It only seems to happen(the two times it's happened so far) when no one else is around, which makes me only ever so slightly uncomfortable..

and when it's some white blond kid dragging his non-American, darker "brother" in a JROTC uniform to introduce him to you, translating frantically from what srsly doesn't sound like German(Bruh. Too many r rolls. The emphasis sounds more like northeastern slovic or Russianish, like bruh. Stop being sketchy. Stahp.) it's weird, yahknow??

Maybe he was just poking around.. the other kid seemed sincere. -.-

Boat and Ballroom

So yesterday, I participated in my first sailing competition, and my first DancinGrits meet..

We began at 8:45am. Nic and I got Shazam's motor running by 9:30 and we arrived at the Harbortown fuel dock at 11:30, shortly after the first race began.  By the time Aaron boarded and we managed to find the start gates and buoy markers, the second race began, and we had a late start... The wind died frequently, then picked up in gusty sheets, making it difficult to get to where we needed to go, so we never actually finished the race, but managed to complete two laps in around an hour and thirty minutes. Because we were the only boat of our kind, we would have won first if we had finished, or at least in our class.

It actually became the most interesting when the wind died off. We'd sit idle for a moment, and then I'd tell Aaron to take the tiller while I went below deck to grab my drybag full of lunch (he held it with his foot..bruh.)  The two of them went through about five packs of peanut-butter and cheese filled crackers(did not accept my grapes). At some point, it became way too quiet, so Aaron asked Nic what kind of music he liked, Nic asked what his opinion of skateboards was, and eventually it drifted to politics: Islamic radicals, gun laws, and global warming.

Nic didn't do as much as he was trying to be an adult leader and stay out of the way while we sailed, though sometimes he would switch with Aaron on the jib sheets.  Towards the end, I managed both the tiller and the main, and later attempted the jib sheets while Aaron fiddled with the motor.  I say attempted because the winds were so strong that I sometimes had a hard time matching their strength, and Aaron would have to pull it in further and "tie it off." I was slightly jealous.. just have to work harder and build my strength. I'll get there someday.

And then I met Macey at DancinGrits. I quickly met a few of her friends, and learned a some of the more manageable line dances like the Electric Slide. The "ET Hammer" or something hammer was what got me. The moves were so fast, I would often lose my place and pick back up halfway through, but it was still fun. Those line dances had me sweating! 

For the partner dances (only girl-boy so that boys don't learn the following part and girls don't learn the leading part when partnered with other girls), we learned the basic waltz. 1/4 turns, and backwards and forwards. The basic is 1 backwards step on right, 2 sidestep on left, 3 slide right to left, ending together ( one of my dance partners showed me to slide that step).  Speaking of partners, sometimes the boys would have to ask the girls, and sometimes the girls would have to ask the boys.  There wasn't as much fear involved because you essentially just walked forward and asked the first person you made eye-contact with. There's no use fishing around. Not only did the partner dances have one practice communicating and inviting fearlessly, but they also provided for the practice of one's social skills through small talk during the dances.  Not bad at all. 

To sum things up, today, I learned:

• A tack is a turn where the bow (front) passes through the wind (coming from the front).

• A jibe is a turn where the stern (back) passes through the wind (coming from the rear).

• Asking a guy you've never met to dance isn't nearly as hard as it seems.

• When you're not doing anything on a boat, you're job is to stand with feet shoulder-width apart and  hands at your hips, and peer out into the distance looking "nautical." - Aaron

Grimy Faces, Dirty Hands

One common misconception about Christianity is that because many people see Christians as hypocritical and judgemental, they think they have to be flawless before they think about coming to God.  Few things could be more false. 

In the midst of the inner turmoil of my perfectionist self, I often have to remind myself that God doesn't care what strange substances have crusted on our faces, what terrible mistakes we've made and keep making.  All he cares about is that we choose to seek Him.

I like to think God would say, "You don't have to wash yourself before you come to see me. Actually, you can't. Your marks need a special solution that only I can get, so come to me and I'll clean you right up, free of charge."